Thursday, March 11, 2010

I forgot again

Yeah, I forgot I had a blog. And I'm sure this will be neither the first nor the last time that this happens. However, I find that when I feel a strong urge to write something, I suddenly remember that this is here--so maybe that's a good thing. My blog is like my own personal "Room of Requirement," Harry Potter style. Yeah, I did just make a Harry Potter reference, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I am writing today because after last night, I think I am officially losing my mind over comps. Is it possible to have a recurring nightmare over the course of one night? I feel like I had only one dream last night, and it repeated itself about 17 times. I still feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about.

In my dream, it was the day of comps--which, by the way, is officially ONE WEEK from today...a'wpeojfojwflahsdfklahsk. Anyway, I entered the room where the test was taking place and my teacher handed me a laptop and a sheet with the test questions. (Another side note: how cool would a laptop be in real life for written tests? I'm not looking forward to a 6 hour essay test that has to be handwritten.) So I have the laptop, open it, and look at the test--but somehow the test is sort of high tech too, in that I have to refresh the page multiple times to figure out the right questions. I didn't say my dream made sense.

On the real test next week, it will be divided into sections: ancient, medieval, modern, and "grab-all." There will be a couple of questions in each sections to choose from, but I have to answer one from each section. Of course in my dream, I have a hard time deciphering which questions go with which section--they are scattered all over the place, and I'm panicked thinking that I might accidentally answer two questions from the same section and fail the test. Also, the questions keep moving every time I "refresh" the page. Again, I didn't say this made sense.

There is only one question that I can understand in my dream, and it's in the one subject that I feel most prepared for in real life, which is on the constitutional Framing. So I decide to start with that one. I start to type, and all sorts of distractions keep coming up--people come into the room to talk, a meeting is supposed to meet where I'm testing, etc. Suddenly I realize that for my 4 hour test (even though the real one is 6 hours), somehow nearly 3 hours have passed and I haven't even finished the first question! There isn't enough time and I'm panicking again.

I decide I have to just start answering the rest of the questions to make sure I have a remote shot of passing the test--but then it's like I can't even figure out which questions go where, and what the questions even mean. Half of them aren't even questions. One is just a generic statement, like a quote or something, but without a question or any context for me to figure out what to say about it. Some of them are just inanimate objects. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to formulate an answer to a picture frame.

I scribble down random words and then time is up. My teacher grades my test on the spot. I see that my first answer (the only one I knew) got full credit, 60/60. (I guess my grading standards in dreams are pretty specific). The rest of my answers were terrible, and I did not do well on those. At the end of it all, a passing grade was (randomly) 158, and I ended up with 159 overall. I passed by one point. I guess you could say I should have felt relieved, but all I felt was disappointed. After all my studying and all my hard work, I only barely squeaked by with a pass thanks to all the craziness on testing day. It also meant that what I'd really really like to strive for on the real test day--to not only pass, but to pass with distinction--didn't happen in my dream.

I realize all this is a testament to my underlying anxiety about this test, but the dream is still with me and it's making it difficult to study today! I'm so nervous that I won't do well next week, and my degree depends on it.

I guess I just have to keep working and hope for the best, though. Maybe if the nightmares could ease up a little, that would make the process a little bit easier!

Okee doke. Back to work. Guess I'll need to be adding picture frames to the study guide today too...