Thursday, March 11, 2010

I forgot again

Yeah, I forgot I had a blog. And I'm sure this will be neither the first nor the last time that this happens. However, I find that when I feel a strong urge to write something, I suddenly remember that this is here--so maybe that's a good thing. My blog is like my own personal "Room of Requirement," Harry Potter style. Yeah, I did just make a Harry Potter reference, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I am writing today because after last night, I think I am officially losing my mind over comps. Is it possible to have a recurring nightmare over the course of one night? I feel like I had only one dream last night, and it repeated itself about 17 times. I still feel a panic attack coming on just thinking about.

In my dream, it was the day of comps--which, by the way, is officially ONE WEEK from today...a'wpeojfojwflahsdfklahsk. Anyway, I entered the room where the test was taking place and my teacher handed me a laptop and a sheet with the test questions. (Another side note: how cool would a laptop be in real life for written tests? I'm not looking forward to a 6 hour essay test that has to be handwritten.) So I have the laptop, open it, and look at the test--but somehow the test is sort of high tech too, in that I have to refresh the page multiple times to figure out the right questions. I didn't say my dream made sense.

On the real test next week, it will be divided into sections: ancient, medieval, modern, and "grab-all." There will be a couple of questions in each sections to choose from, but I have to answer one from each section. Of course in my dream, I have a hard time deciphering which questions go with which section--they are scattered all over the place, and I'm panicked thinking that I might accidentally answer two questions from the same section and fail the test. Also, the questions keep moving every time I "refresh" the page. Again, I didn't say this made sense.

There is only one question that I can understand in my dream, and it's in the one subject that I feel most prepared for in real life, which is on the constitutional Framing. So I decide to start with that one. I start to type, and all sorts of distractions keep coming up--people come into the room to talk, a meeting is supposed to meet where I'm testing, etc. Suddenly I realize that for my 4 hour test (even though the real one is 6 hours), somehow nearly 3 hours have passed and I haven't even finished the first question! There isn't enough time and I'm panicking again.

I decide I have to just start answering the rest of the questions to make sure I have a remote shot of passing the test--but then it's like I can't even figure out which questions go where, and what the questions even mean. Half of them aren't even questions. One is just a generic statement, like a quote or something, but without a question or any context for me to figure out what to say about it. Some of them are just inanimate objects. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to formulate an answer to a picture frame.

I scribble down random words and then time is up. My teacher grades my test on the spot. I see that my first answer (the only one I knew) got full credit, 60/60. (I guess my grading standards in dreams are pretty specific). The rest of my answers were terrible, and I did not do well on those. At the end of it all, a passing grade was (randomly) 158, and I ended up with 159 overall. I passed by one point. I guess you could say I should have felt relieved, but all I felt was disappointed. After all my studying and all my hard work, I only barely squeaked by with a pass thanks to all the craziness on testing day. It also meant that what I'd really really like to strive for on the real test day--to not only pass, but to pass with distinction--didn't happen in my dream.

I realize all this is a testament to my underlying anxiety about this test, but the dream is still with me and it's making it difficult to study today! I'm so nervous that I won't do well next week, and my degree depends on it.

I guess I just have to keep working and hope for the best, though. Maybe if the nightmares could ease up a little, that would make the process a little bit easier!

Okee doke. Back to work. Guess I'll need to be adding picture frames to the study guide today too...


the seymours said...

Drew! You are going to do GREAT tomorrow! I just know it!

(also i think you might appreciate that the word in the word verification below is "reatud" hahah) xo

Annie said...

hehe reTAUD...that's what I feel like right now!!! thanks for the boost!! :)